Challenge

I've been posed with a challenge . . . a very wonderful challenge to boot. A dear friend of mine has encouraged me to make a list of the things I am thankful for.

I have thought about approaching this project a number of different ways. I could think of one thing for every letter of the alphabet. I could go through every year of my life and choose something to be thankful for. (Some years would be easier than others of course.) I could even make a list of the people in my life, and begin that way. But what God has put on my heart is far more extensive.

The thought of writing down all that I am thankful for seems like an insurmountable task. There are the necessities that God always provides for, the blessings that shower down here and there, and even the pain. Then there are the warm fuzzies, which would absolutely make the list. So instead of sitting down to write an exhaustive list, I've decided to make the idea of being thankful more of a practice.

I am going to try something new with my posts each day. For those of you who have followed along, you've noticed that I write about a pretty varied set of things. There is really no pattern, nor is there a rhyme or reason to my writing. Every post has something to do with the way that God has made Himself known in my day. And as I'm learning, God is not really somebody I've been able to put into a formula. There is no pattern, and He always jumps right out of the boxes I try to stuff Him into.

So in tribute to my friend, and for the sake of sharpening myself - this is what I've decided to so. At the top and the very beginning of my daily posts, I am going to include two things. One is my memory verse for the day (this is to keep myself accountable), and two, I will articulate something that I am thankful for.

As I transition into this new format, this post will be a little bit backwards. Today, the goodies will be posted at the bottom.

My verse for today is found in Mark 9:23. "If you can?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."

** This day I am thankful for the strength and the tenderness of my husband's faith. **

Puppies

My cousin Jodie's dog had puppies a few days ago. Hours before the delivery, an ultrasound informed her that Sadie was carrying four puppies. Unfortunately not all four are still with us. Just like with a lot of first time litters, two of the puppies didn't make it, leaving us with two - one big and one little.

There I sat today holding that little bundle of fur, mesmerized over God's creation. Tiny paws, itty bitty whiskers and eyes that were closed shut. The puppies were too small to open up and let any light in. Their ears were too new to discern sound. As they cuddled in the dark and quiet shelter of their mother, I saw contentment and fulfillment on furry faces.

These tiny babies struggled to keep their wobbly heads straight. It seemed to take all that they had in them just to inch up and latch on. But once attached to that warm supply of milk, I saw nature at it's best. There is something so intimate and sacred about a nursing mommy - dog, human . . . it really makes no difference. These puppies could not see nor hear - but somehow, they knew where to find lunch.

Like my cousin Jodie said today, "There is something that touches you deep down inside when you hold on of these puppies."

She was right . . . I felt a mix of wonder, amazement, happiness and sadness all at that same time. New life had come from the union two. Sure, science explains it and people witness it with every funeral and newborn cry - but the concept of life and death still grabs on to me like nothing else.

Sacred is the word I will use to describe my encounter today. The death of two, and the life of two . . . you would think things would somehow be all balanced out. But like I read this week, death is not the opposite of life - it is the absence of it. As much as these new babies will be cherished, the fallen puppies are just as missed.

Beauty is most visible amidst terrible pain, and light most illuminating against the backdrop of darkness. Warmth is always most inviting when it's cold, and life is strangely most mesmerizing when surrounded by death.

Found

It was as if I had won the lottery or something. One glance at my friend Sherri's arms, and my heart leaped. There she was, safe and sound and soon to be in my arms again. My Bible . . . she's been found!!!

Stacked underneath more stacking-type material, she has been hanging out in Jodie's office for two weeks. I was sure I had looked in there . . . but being tucked underneath some other things created the perfect hiding place.

As I cracked her open early this morning, it felt like I was slipping on my favorite pair of jeans. I love the smell and the feel of this Bible. The worn and missing tabs, the tattered pages - each tiny detail was a wonder to look at.

I will not be leaving my house with her anymore. I am thinking that I really do want to leave this Bible as a legacy for my children. With all of the notes I have written in it, I like to think that my great great great grandchildren might want to crack it open to see what my walk with God was like.

I really was ready to let my friend go, but it is nice knowing that I won't have to - yet. I thank God for returning something that has been so sacred and unforgettable.

Traced steps - with Him.

Bagel

The people I hold nearest and dearest to my heart - the ones who know me best - my beloved family . . . well, I have to say that they are all a little bit off. For some unknown reason, they think that I have a really strange sense of humor. Personally, I just think they fail to see "funny" when they see it.

I do have to admit though, that when I am the ONLY person laughing in the whole room, and even the dog is giving me a funny look, it makes me wonder about myself.

I tend to do really dumb things. I will often times attribute it to my blondness, and other times I just shrug my shoulders and move on. When somebody catches me doing some off the wall thing (and Jodie is really good at that), and they call me on it - I am suddenly in stitches.

I am tickled most when somebody will imitate something I have said or done, making me realize in that moment what a goofball I've been. For example, this morning I was making my kid's their breakfast. Makayla had her usual, a frozen cinnamon toast waffle, and the boys wanted cream cheese bagels.

As my girl sat quietly eating her food, I barged in and began to spread cream cheese on the bagels that had been lightly toasted. So what is so funny about that you wonder? Well, I just happened to be in my "hurried" mode, and I was trying to cut some corners by moving at a rapid speed. Now trying to spread cream cheese on a moving bagel can cause a girl to get pretty intense.

I worked quickly and very forcefully, trying to spread the cream cheese as best I could. In this moment, I was a serious as a heart attack thinking about all of the things I still needed to do to get out the door. We weren't late mind you . . . because my rapid pace really was paying off.

Then it happened. My oldest son began to comment on my behavior, making me laugh for the next twenty minutes or so.

"Whoa . . . " he said. "You were acting like the bagel was trying to escape or something."

That's all it took. His reaction to my odd cream-cheese spreading had me in stitches. I did not realize I was being so intense until he opened his mouth.

Stuff like that will happen (things that really are not funny to other people), and it will get me laughing until I am crying. I have memories of when we were first married that just kill me. One of the things I have always loved about Mark is that he can always make me laugh.

So what tickles you? Is it a funny movie? A funny face? A joke? In other words, is it something that is actually funny?

I think Maykayla might be a little bit like her Mommy when it comes to giggles. The other night she got tickled about something, and laughed for a good ten minutes. She just couldn't stop. And was she laughing about something that was actually funny? No, not really. People say that she looks like me, but I think our similarities might run a little bit deeper.

I thank God for the gift of laughter. This world has plenty of things to be serious and sad about. It's those laugh out loud moments of pure joy that bring it all around.

Cream cheese anyone?

Out There

Some of the things I blog about really make me feel like I am putting myself out there. It seems that when I sit down to post each day, whatever is on my heart is what gets typed on the keyboard.

I feel a little bit of remorse about yesterday's post - not because things didn't turn out well, because they really did (praise God). But I feel kind of funny about sharing something personal that involved another person. In other words, this was kind of a private matter that maybe needed to be kept that way - private. I do hope that I have not crossed any kind of boundary. Keeping the person anonymous was my way of protecting . . . I really hope that will be enough.

I was delightfully surprised at how well the conversation went. I decided to face my fears, and share my feelings today. Walls came a tumbling down, and the icy chill of my hurt melted away as we exchanged words. There was no ill intent (which I never thought that there was). I was able to get a better understanding of where this person was coming from, and I was better understood as well.

Communication is so important as we walk this journey of life together. I want to encourage you tonight . . . if there is something weighing heavy on your heart in regards to somebody else's words or actions - be brave and initiate a conversation. I can tell you from experience that freedom awaits, and deep and loving relationships are almost always waiting on the other side of a pretty tough confrontation. I have been the one speaking the truth in love, and I have been the receiver of such truth. I honestly don't know which is more difficult. But I can say that love has always reigned - every single time.

I love God's Word. It will sometimes stretch us, causing us to step away from what is comfortable and familiar. Being real, honest and true is a risk . . . putting your heart "out there" does not guarantee it won't get stomped on.

But a promise we can hold on to for dear life, is the fact that the One who created our heart is also the healer of such. Every time we find ourselves facing our fears, every confrontation - even with every stomp . . . we are always put back together by careful and loving hands.

Love overrides any kind of miscommunication. It squashes pride and tears down walls. Love builds bridges and infuses hope. And when it comes to the Goliath's s in relationships, a stone of humility can be a mighty force.

Because love conquers ALL.

Feelings

Somebody said something today that really hurt my feelings. It was said jokingly, but there was a part of me that wondered how much truth there really was to the cut.

I've spent the rest of the day trying to forget the offense, praying often by talking the whole thing over with God. I know that this person didn't intentionally hurt me - but it made me wonder if I am viewed a certain way now.

I know that I shouldn't let it bother me, and I have chosen to forgive this person and let it go. The Bible tells us that we are to overlook an offense, and no to be easily offended. I want to honor God in this, and I know that He is trying to teach me something through it.

Maybe I need to confront the person and just be honest about how it made me feel. The frightening part about this is that it would open me up for more ridicule - and frankly I just don't know if I could handle that.

There is something about this particular relationship that brings up so many of my insecurities from the past. Back when I was growing up, I chose to hang out with really mean friends. I don't know why - I guess I didn't think I was worth anything more. Sarcastic, condescending, rude and cutting remarks were a part of my daily routine. With every single one, I would feel squashed and a little bit less lovable.

It is funny how deep some of those wounds can be. Maybe God is wanting to heal this terrible hurt once and for all. Something tells me that in order to quiet all of those mocking voices (the ones in my head and the ones from other people), I am going to have to stand up to this giant.

The really difficult part about all of this, is that I begin believing those really rotten things about myself. It is in this place that suddenly I feel ugly, small and insignificant. These are lies I have believed about myself for so many years.

At the close of this day, I choose to pray for the person who hurt me. I am sure that this person carries around a set of hurts too. I will be honest when given the chance, no matter what the cost. I am going to trust that God will bring the good around - He always does.

In the meantime, I will curl up into the lap of the only One who can really see the motive and intent of my heart. I rest here, under safe shelter.

I pray, and I wait.

Prayer

There seems to be an ongoing theme in my life right now, a season of sorts if you will. Every time God wants to get my attention about something, he never hits me over the head with the concept. Instead, it is always a soft nudging, a gentle reminder that comes from all different directions.

I posted a while back about feeling lost . . . not really knowing what the next step should be. I have spent months wresting with needless anxiety, when all God has wanted me to do is to be still. With the embrace of this new awareness, I have stepped into the most abundant place of freedom and purpose. I understand my calling now more than ever. For this time, in this place - God is calling me to pray.

Like a rain shower, the revelation came to me several days ago. One confirmation after another broke through my calloused and troubled heart. Wanting answers to so many questions about myself and others, I decided to take a personality test. After spending a good fifteen minutes or so, INFJ is what came up, meaning Introvert, iNtuituve, Feeling and Judging. I began to read the description, and couldn't help but to talk back to the printed piece of paper.

"Yes, I do that! That is exactly how I would respond . . . or how I feel or the way that I behave! How could one test know so much about me?"

I took comfort in seeing my idiosyncrasies printed in black and white. Things about me that I had never been able to articulate before were held in my hand. It turns out that only 1% of the population has my personality type, which was another aha moment for me. It's no wonder I have a hard time understanding the behavior of other people, not to mention feeling very much misunderstood myself.

A big part of my personality talked about having a kind of discernment about things, without any outside knowledge of such. YES!!! I have that all the time. It talked about not really knowing how to explain what is known (still yes) . . . it talked about usually being right about what I am discerning. Yes again.

I always thought that it was the Holy Spirit giving me insight (and I still do), but it was neat to see that it is also a part of my make-up. God made me this way - for a reason. He doesn't want to torture me with drama, nor does He desire to see me tied in knots. The reason came flying in from every direction, leaving me no room for denial. I have come to realize, that I have been placed here, for such a time as this - for the sake of prayer.

I always thought that I would be a part of some really big ministry movement or something. I have dreams of writing books and speaking all over the country - but all of that fades behind the backdrop of this new calling. God gives me insight into things for the purpose of interceding. WOW. I consider this call far more important than any kind of a "name" I could make for myself. In fact, the thought of being known makes me feel sick inside. The closer I get to God, the less I want to be seen.

God has sent so many confirmations in my direction (including Michele's blog idea and Pastor Dave's sermon today). But my favorite came through my little Goldilocks Makayla moments after the revelation. She walked into my bedroom and handed me a bracelet that I had nearly forgotten about. It was a beautiful pewter bracelet given to me when I was in the hospital. Near the clasp, there is a heart-shaped box that you can open the lid to. It is a prayer box.

I almost made the mistake of chucking it in my jewelry box without a second look. When I received the bracelet all of those months ago, I was so weak and full of fatigue that it seemed bothersome. I didn't have enough energy to put it on, much less wear it around. When Makayla handed it to me some days ago, I almost took it with the same attitude.

"Oh, that thing." I thought. Until, I remembered what the heart shaped box symbolized. Prayer. In that very moment my calling had been confirmed. All of that anxiety that had me tied in knots for months had suddenly been lifted. I felt a renewed contentment about where I have been placed, and I felt so completely honored to be trusted with such. The torment in my soul has disappeared, and I know now, that my only move is to wait.

When I was given that bracelet back in the hospital, I wasn't really ready to receive it. It's been the same with prayer. God has been sending little indications here and there, but I haven't been ready to receive. Until now.

Prayer . . . keeping company with God. Yes, what could be more fitting for this soul? Nothing could bring more honor to the Father. This is why I was created! This is what I live for.

All of my hopes, and all of my dreams have been packaged into one quiet kneel. It is in this peaceful place that I find all that I've been searching for . . . my heart's desire - is Him.