Quick Take

My son Matthew pitched five innings the other night against the Lugnuts. I couldn't have been prouder! Standing up on that pitcher's mount takes a lot of courage. There was a lot of pressure on him to perform - to get that ball over the plate . . . nice and easy.

Capturing the moment, I fought the wind and a chain link fence with my video camera. Gusts of dust were not going to get in my way. There I stood, on the other side of the fence, watching my baby boy grow into a man. It was all on him, Mom couldn't rescue him this time. Even if I did feel like going out there and giving him a hug, it would have been the very wrong thing to do. There was nothing I could do but watch, and pray that God would help him throw straight.

The next evening, we hooked the event up to our large screen TV, making Matthew a star. It was magical seeing him in his element. Tears filled my eyes as only a mom's could.

We pulled out some of the older videos as well, and spent the evening reminiscing. Makayla with her little blond tufts of hair and her Binky, Mikey and his Christmas program-- too cute!! Comparing those images with the giants on my couch made me realize just how quickly they grow.

The Bible says that children are a heritage from the Lord. I would have to agree. Nothing has grown me more than motherhood, nothing has brought me as much joy and pain all in the same breath.

Moments captured, moments truly lived. It is my hope that when my kids grow up, that they will look back and see that God was very much a part of our birthday parties, sporting events and Christmas mornings - all in the form of Love.

Steps

Itsy bitsy teeny weenie baby steps to normalcy. As I continue getting stronger after surgery, things seem to be moving one step forward, two back. While physically I am able to do more, emotionally I'm a little bit off kilter. What I've discovered today is that it's all about perception. Like the old saying goes, "I'm not where I should be, but at least I'm not where I used to be!"

Hormones can be a pretty strange thing to contend with. Feeling fine one minute, but in the next -- who can really tell? My poor husband, he has been so wonderfully patient through all of this. He had to ask me this afternoon which of my "personalities" he was dealing with at the moment. Pretty bad, I know.

What adds salt to a festering wound, is the loathing of my own behavior. I literally felt ugly today, on the inside and the out. It's not a very good thing when you can't even stand to keep company with your self. But as I wrestled today, not knowing which end was up - there was one thing certain. God never left me for a moment.

He listened as I poured a hurting heart into my journal. He watched closely, when I was given the choice to obey - and I chose not to. He received my repentant retort, and wrapped His arms around me, even in my unlovable state.

As the day comes to an end, I find a bit of joy bubbling up, erasing the shadows casted earlier. As I take these steps toward recovery ,I am reminded of how far God has already carried me. I trust that He will continue to take me through to the last stretch.

Grace is where I rest tonight, as I decide to give myself a break. If God can overlook a day like today, why shouldn't I?