Feelings

Somebody said something today that really hurt my feelings. It was said jokingly, but there was a part of me that wondered how much truth there really was to the cut.

I've spent the rest of the day trying to forget the offense, praying often by talking the whole thing over with God. I know that this person didn't intentionally hurt me - but it made me wonder if I am viewed a certain way now.

I know that I shouldn't let it bother me, and I have chosen to forgive this person and let it go. The Bible tells us that we are to overlook an offense, and no to be easily offended. I want to honor God in this, and I know that He is trying to teach me something through it.

Maybe I need to confront the person and just be honest about how it made me feel. The frightening part about this is that it would open me up for more ridicule - and frankly I just don't know if I could handle that.

There is something about this particular relationship that brings up so many of my insecurities from the past. Back when I was growing up, I chose to hang out with really mean friends. I don't know why - I guess I didn't think I was worth anything more. Sarcastic, condescending, rude and cutting remarks were a part of my daily routine. With every single one, I would feel squashed and a little bit less lovable.

It is funny how deep some of those wounds can be. Maybe God is wanting to heal this terrible hurt once and for all. Something tells me that in order to quiet all of those mocking voices (the ones in my head and the ones from other people), I am going to have to stand up to this giant.

The really difficult part about all of this, is that I begin believing those really rotten things about myself. It is in this place that suddenly I feel ugly, small and insignificant. These are lies I have believed about myself for so many years.

At the close of this day, I choose to pray for the person who hurt me. I am sure that this person carries around a set of hurts too. I will be honest when given the chance, no matter what the cost. I am going to trust that God will bring the good around - He always does.

In the meantime, I will curl up into the lap of the only One who can really see the motive and intent of my heart. I rest here, under safe shelter.

I pray, and I wait.