But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and forever! Amen. ~ 2 Peter 3:18
Growing - it's a process, sometimes fast, sometimes slow. The verse above was Peter's last written words to the early church all of those centuries ago. While many of his writings touched on the importance of holiness, submission to one another, what it means to really live for God and warnings about false teachers - he chose to end on the idea of relationship.
Grow in the grace and the knowledge . . . growth is something that usually happens pretty slow. In this microwave kind of a world we live in, it is easy to expect our spiritual maturity to just happen over night. We spend a lot of time studying God's Word, or fasting and praying endlessly. Sometimes we will even break our backs trying to serve in the name of loving Him.
While all of these things are good and necessary in the discipleship of our Lord, there are no fast tracks into the Kingdom. God desires our hearts above all, which means that He looks past our activity, right to the heart of our motives . . . why we do something is far more important to God than the action we take.
There is a fine line between discipline and legalism. While it is important to set aside time to be alone with God, we need to be careful that it doesn't become something we simply check off the list. When things become too structured, we can miss the most important thing - and that "thing" is Him.
To grow in the grace and the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ, it is important to spend time with Him, by being aware of His continual presence. I have had great moments with God in the middle of a grocery store or while rounding up a rowdy mess of kids. I don't have to be in my easy chair in the living room (or in my quiet time spot) in order to grow in my knowledge of God. If He kept Himself confined to those two spots, I would be in a world of trouble!
If you are feeling discouraged today about how far you've come, or not come - know that looking to Him is really our only requirement. Growth takes time . . .
Saturday, December 22
Friday, December 21
Game Table
For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer; ~ 1 Peter 3:12a
Today I am thankful redemption. I speak not of the renewing power of God's shed blood, although that really is what allows me to take my next breath. I am not referring to any kind of a score evening out, or a contest that was eventually won. My story of redemption today includes a very heavy and awkward table that now graces our living room.
It was almost one year ago. Large, awkward, rectangular shape . . . and did I mention large? It sat in the middle of our family room, just waiting to be born. Hundreds of tiny little pieces all put together meant one thing. An enormous game table that the kids had gotten for Christmas. Foosball, pool, ping-pong, checkers, chess . . . some kind of a football thing, and that was just the beginning. The thing stood approximately three and a half feet high, about one hundred inches wide and three hundred long. (My exaggeration of course.)
The table had been up for a week or so, being enjoyed by all - all that is, except for me. It looked like an eyesore, even tucked back behind one of the couches, I felt annoyed by this clumsy thing. There was nothing about the way it screamed "fun" that went with anything in our house. A separate game room - now this would be a fitting home. But we opted not to add the sixth bedroom (we didn't even have that option anyway), which meant that this new orphan of a game would be settling down where our family did most of it's living - in the family room.
One afternoon, while feeling quite frustrated, I tried to move the beast over a little bit. The thing must have weighed 100 pounds. Made mostly out of particle board and plastic, I managed to practically break the thing in two - leaving the table unrecognizable, and my husband pretty annoyed.
We found a phone number on the box and we called, and we called. One day after another we tried to reach somebody from game table land. Finally, we were able to connect. I explained what happened and they assured me that the parts would be sent immediately.
Weeks, no months went by. Nothing. I wasn't really complaining, I mean aside from feeling about two inches tall for ruining the family's fun, I was pretty happy to have the mess out in the garage. Actually, come to think of it, we had the thing in the playroom for a good four or five months. That was a fun thing to trip over.
Anyway, no shipment for a really long time. So I called again. Come to find out, the parts were on back order. We proceeded to call for the next nine months, hoping that the parts would make an appearance. One of the last phone calls instructed us that the parts we were waiting for had to come from oversees. Then weeks later we found out that they no longer make them.
Hm mm . . . hope for redemption was looking bleak. Because so much time had gone by, I was not suffering with the sting of remorse anymore. In fact, I was kind of happy to discover that maybe the table would not be making another appearance.
Then it happened. The guy over the phone offered to send us a whole new table - brand new. It was very similar to the first one, just a slightly different model, all at no charge. I froze. In this moment, I had a choice.
A couple of weeks later, we were visited by the Yellow truck company. A very large and awkward box was delivered, bringing back the dreadful memories. Strangely, the next day we received another shipment - it was the game table again! Not only did they try and make things right by sending us a whole new game table, they tried to give us two. For the sake of integrity, I refused the second package with a smile. It would have been dishonest to keep it.
Tonight as I type, I hear a ping-pong ball bouncing back and forth, and the joy of my kid's laughter. The second model came a little bit smaller in size, and more attractive on the outside. We've found a wonderful spot for it, and I no longer feel annoyed by it's awkwardness. These games are a wonderful way to bring this family together.
This whole scenario made me think about how God's timing can sometimes seem delayed. It took us a whole year before things started to turn around for this Christmas gift. I'm not sure I understand why it played out the way it did, but I do like to think that God was building something in all of us during the wait.
God heard my remorseful prayer a whole year ago - and was even able to bring good from a particle board heap.
Today I am thankful redemption. I speak not of the renewing power of God's shed blood, although that really is what allows me to take my next breath. I am not referring to any kind of a score evening out, or a contest that was eventually won. My story of redemption today includes a very heavy and awkward table that now graces our living room.
It was almost one year ago. Large, awkward, rectangular shape . . . and did I mention large? It sat in the middle of our family room, just waiting to be born. Hundreds of tiny little pieces all put together meant one thing. An enormous game table that the kids had gotten for Christmas. Foosball, pool, ping-pong, checkers, chess . . . some kind of a football thing, and that was just the beginning. The thing stood approximately three and a half feet high, about one hundred inches wide and three hundred long. (My exaggeration of course.)
The table had been up for a week or so, being enjoyed by all - all that is, except for me. It looked like an eyesore, even tucked back behind one of the couches, I felt annoyed by this clumsy thing. There was nothing about the way it screamed "fun" that went with anything in our house. A separate game room - now this would be a fitting home. But we opted not to add the sixth bedroom (we didn't even have that option anyway), which meant that this new orphan of a game would be settling down where our family did most of it's living - in the family room.
One afternoon, while feeling quite frustrated, I tried to move the beast over a little bit. The thing must have weighed 100 pounds. Made mostly out of particle board and plastic, I managed to practically break the thing in two - leaving the table unrecognizable, and my husband pretty annoyed.
We found a phone number on the box and we called, and we called. One day after another we tried to reach somebody from game table land. Finally, we were able to connect. I explained what happened and they assured me that the parts would be sent immediately.
Weeks, no months went by. Nothing. I wasn't really complaining, I mean aside from feeling about two inches tall for ruining the family's fun, I was pretty happy to have the mess out in the garage. Actually, come to think of it, we had the thing in the playroom for a good four or five months. That was a fun thing to trip over.
Anyway, no shipment for a really long time. So I called again. Come to find out, the parts were on back order. We proceeded to call for the next nine months, hoping that the parts would make an appearance. One of the last phone calls instructed us that the parts we were waiting for had to come from oversees. Then weeks later we found out that they no longer make them.
Hm mm . . . hope for redemption was looking bleak. Because so much time had gone by, I was not suffering with the sting of remorse anymore. In fact, I was kind of happy to discover that maybe the table would not be making another appearance.
Then it happened. The guy over the phone offered to send us a whole new table - brand new. It was very similar to the first one, just a slightly different model, all at no charge. I froze. In this moment, I had a choice.
A couple of weeks later, we were visited by the Yellow truck company. A very large and awkward box was delivered, bringing back the dreadful memories. Strangely, the next day we received another shipment - it was the game table again! Not only did they try and make things right by sending us a whole new game table, they tried to give us two. For the sake of integrity, I refused the second package with a smile. It would have been dishonest to keep it.
Tonight as I type, I hear a ping-pong ball bouncing back and forth, and the joy of my kid's laughter. The second model came a little bit smaller in size, and more attractive on the outside. We've found a wonderful spot for it, and I no longer feel annoyed by it's awkwardness. These games are a wonderful way to bring this family together.
This whole scenario made me think about how God's timing can sometimes seem delayed. It took us a whole year before things started to turn around for this Christmas gift. I'm not sure I understand why it played out the way it did, but I do like to think that God was building something in all of us during the wait.
God heard my remorseful prayer a whole year ago - and was even able to bring good from a particle board heap.
Thursday, December 20
Gift Cards
In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. ~ James 2:17
Today I am thankful for gift cards. Believing . . . seems like a pretty easy thing. But according to God's Word, our beliefs hold no real water unless there are actions that back them up. How often I forfeit a measure of peace for a helping of worry and doubt. I sometimes wonder if I will ever learn.
I drove into work today, with quite a load on my mind. Several needs had come in as the holidays are drawing near. Families that are less fortunate and in need of help - food, gas, bills . . . not to mention kids that won't get to have any kind of a Christmas.
There were a few families pending, still waiting to be adopted. Gulping at the thought, I sent up a silent prayer choosing to trust God amidst the enormous need. I felt like worrying about any of it would have been far too heavy. So instead, I put my racing mind to rest - and God amazingly moved the mountains that lay before me.
One after the other, I saw God provide for every need. One person brought in a couple of bags of groceries, and moments later they were picked up by a family. Gift cards poured in, with a smile or two. Offers to help from one small group (tried and true) and our Helping Hands ministry really helped carry the load. It was a pretty busy afternoon - and with God's grace I was able to take care of the most important things.
I had to laugh at myself today. As God surprised me with one provision after another, I couldn't help but to chuckle. Why do I doubt? God ALWAYS comes through in one way or another. He is always faithful when I feel like I don't have an ounce left to give. God's love abounds and His resources never run dry.
Faith without action is dead. Sometimes putting our belief in motion can mean no action at all. Waiting is active. We don't have to pull our hair out trying to crunch numbers or scramble for things that are beyond our reach.
When our faith is genuine and still - it is God that does the moving.
Today I am thankful for gift cards. Believing . . . seems like a pretty easy thing. But according to God's Word, our beliefs hold no real water unless there are actions that back them up. How often I forfeit a measure of peace for a helping of worry and doubt. I sometimes wonder if I will ever learn.
I drove into work today, with quite a load on my mind. Several needs had come in as the holidays are drawing near. Families that are less fortunate and in need of help - food, gas, bills . . . not to mention kids that won't get to have any kind of a Christmas.
There were a few families pending, still waiting to be adopted. Gulping at the thought, I sent up a silent prayer choosing to trust God amidst the enormous need. I felt like worrying about any of it would have been far too heavy. So instead, I put my racing mind to rest - and God amazingly moved the mountains that lay before me.
One after the other, I saw God provide for every need. One person brought in a couple of bags of groceries, and moments later they were picked up by a family. Gift cards poured in, with a smile or two. Offers to help from one small group (tried and true) and our Helping Hands ministry really helped carry the load. It was a pretty busy afternoon - and with God's grace I was able to take care of the most important things.
I had to laugh at myself today. As God surprised me with one provision after another, I couldn't help but to chuckle. Why do I doubt? God ALWAYS comes through in one way or another. He is always faithful when I feel like I don't have an ounce left to give. God's love abounds and His resources never run dry.
Faith without action is dead. Sometimes putting our belief in motion can mean no action at all. Waiting is active. We don't have to pull our hair out trying to crunch numbers or scramble for things that are beyond our reach.
When our faith is genuine and still - it is God that does the moving.
Wednesday, December 19
Armor
And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that He exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. ~ Hebrews 11:6
As I sat alone with God this morning, we had our usual conversation. I grumbled about how dark it was outside, and how tired I was . . . then my sleepy half dreaming thoughts hit the pages of my journal. I don't remember now what I wrote, but I do remember making a solid decision for the day that lie ahead.
You know those aha moments with God, where He will shed light on something you have read a million times? It is almost like the text jumps off of the page and hits you right between the eyes.
While following along with my yearly reading plan, I stumbled upon a quite a gem while reading Hebrews 11. It is sometimes referred to as the faith chapter. The familiar words wrapped themselves around my heart like a warm blanket, making the wee hours of the morning more inviting. When I got to chapter six, my eyes halted. There was so much in that one sentence - certainly enough to fill a whole life's journey not to mention the next 24 hours.
There has been this little struggle on the inside of my heart, that challenges my trust in God. I will see the devastation of somebody else's circumstances . . . or the world hunger crisis . . . or a friend getting the flu, and then there seems to be this little chip that appears in my armor. After a day of ministering to folks that come through the office, I guess you could say I find myself pretty beat up. Without my shield of faith in place those fiery darts have a field day, always hitting me where it counts.
"Taking up the shield of faith, with which I can extinguish every fiery arrow of the evil one." I recite this every single morning as I shower, including every other piece of armor found in Ephesians 6. I never really thought about it before, but my faith is a really big part of keeping myself protected from the evil one.
I walked out of the house this morning, not looking to solve the world's hunger crisis. I was not planning on writing the next best seller (although that would be a hoot), nor did I have my heart set on becoming any kind of a hero.
One slow and steady step at a time, I was making the choice to live by faith. That simple but complicated decision is more than enough for this girl's plate.
Today I am thankful for the Armor of God. Stay suited up fellow warrior . . . according to God's Word - our faith is enough.
As I sat alone with God this morning, we had our usual conversation. I grumbled about how dark it was outside, and how tired I was . . . then my sleepy half dreaming thoughts hit the pages of my journal. I don't remember now what I wrote, but I do remember making a solid decision for the day that lie ahead.
You know those aha moments with God, where He will shed light on something you have read a million times? It is almost like the text jumps off of the page and hits you right between the eyes.
While following along with my yearly reading plan, I stumbled upon a quite a gem while reading Hebrews 11. It is sometimes referred to as the faith chapter. The familiar words wrapped themselves around my heart like a warm blanket, making the wee hours of the morning more inviting. When I got to chapter six, my eyes halted. There was so much in that one sentence - certainly enough to fill a whole life's journey not to mention the next 24 hours.
There has been this little struggle on the inside of my heart, that challenges my trust in God. I will see the devastation of somebody else's circumstances . . . or the world hunger crisis . . . or a friend getting the flu, and then there seems to be this little chip that appears in my armor. After a day of ministering to folks that come through the office, I guess you could say I find myself pretty beat up. Without my shield of faith in place those fiery darts have a field day, always hitting me where it counts.
"Taking up the shield of faith, with which I can extinguish every fiery arrow of the evil one." I recite this every single morning as I shower, including every other piece of armor found in Ephesians 6. I never really thought about it before, but my faith is a really big part of keeping myself protected from the evil one.
I walked out of the house this morning, not looking to solve the world's hunger crisis. I was not planning on writing the next best seller (although that would be a hoot), nor did I have my heart set on becoming any kind of a hero.
One slow and steady step at a time, I was making the choice to live by faith. That simple but complicated decision is more than enough for this girl's plate.
Today I am thankful for the Armor of God. Stay suited up fellow warrior . . . according to God's Word - our faith is enough.
Tuesday, December 18
Disheveled
So do not throw away your confidence, it will be richly rewarded.
~ Hebrews 10:35
My wonderful husband came home early this afternoon to surprise me with a special project he was working on. As I came down the hall toward the playroom, to my horror, it looked like a tornado hit.
I was speechless. I tried to find words, but nothing came out. I remember my arms flailing . . . my eyebrows were furrowed, but no sound came out of my mouth. The hours I had spent cleaning and organizing a couple of nights before had gone up in flames. The floor I finally cleared was now unrecognizable, covered with the books I had carefully organized days before.
Mark was stunned. He was really surprised by my reaction - for his heart really was to make me happy. We have this entertainment center positioned along one of the walls of the playroom. It has several shelves, holding books, toys, games and videos. We talked briefly the other night about cutting the center out and making two bookcases out of it. I thought it sounded like a great idea . . . but I did not realize he was fixin' to take care of it.
My plans for that room (at least until Christmas was over) was to keep in neat and tidy. My sister will be staying in there over Christmas, and I wanted to make it comfortable for her. Mark had no idea.
I'm sure it will be one of those things we will laugh about years down the road, or maybe a even a little bit later on tonight. I so appreciate my husband's kindness in wanting to surprise me. I have to say, I was pretty surprised.
God showed me this afternoon that the way I felt when I walked into that demolished room is how I have been feeling about something else in my life. It was a great illustration for feelings I have not been able to articulate until now. My first reaction to Mark's special project was anger, fear and terrible discouragement. I couldn't even stand in that room a moment longer, because the mess was just too much for me to bear.
I look forward to the way that God will peel the layers away, revealing the true lesson. What a gift this frustration has been. I was able to see Mark's chivalry in wanting to help out - and there was one of life's lessons to boot. God was teaching me patience amidst that disheveled mess, and there was simply no room for a temper tantrum.
I read this morning the importance of not throwing away our confidence. Whether it is in hopes for a clean playroom (that will stay clean for more than 48 hours), or we are looking for direction along this spiritual journey . . . God promises that our confidence will be richly rewarded.
As Mark and Matthew work to put each book back into place, I will choose confidence over those pesky feelings of defeat.
~ Hebrews 10:35
My wonderful husband came home early this afternoon to surprise me with a special project he was working on. As I came down the hall toward the playroom, to my horror, it looked like a tornado hit.
I was speechless. I tried to find words, but nothing came out. I remember my arms flailing . . . my eyebrows were furrowed, but no sound came out of my mouth. The hours I had spent cleaning and organizing a couple of nights before had gone up in flames. The floor I finally cleared was now unrecognizable, covered with the books I had carefully organized days before.
Mark was stunned. He was really surprised by my reaction - for his heart really was to make me happy. We have this entertainment center positioned along one of the walls of the playroom. It has several shelves, holding books, toys, games and videos. We talked briefly the other night about cutting the center out and making two bookcases out of it. I thought it sounded like a great idea . . . but I did not realize he was fixin' to take care of it.
My plans for that room (at least until Christmas was over) was to keep in neat and tidy. My sister will be staying in there over Christmas, and I wanted to make it comfortable for her. Mark had no idea.
I'm sure it will be one of those things we will laugh about years down the road, or maybe a even a little bit later on tonight. I so appreciate my husband's kindness in wanting to surprise me. I have to say, I was pretty surprised.
God showed me this afternoon that the way I felt when I walked into that demolished room is how I have been feeling about something else in my life. It was a great illustration for feelings I have not been able to articulate until now. My first reaction to Mark's special project was anger, fear and terrible discouragement. I couldn't even stand in that room a moment longer, because the mess was just too much for me to bear.
I look forward to the way that God will peel the layers away, revealing the true lesson. What a gift this frustration has been. I was able to see Mark's chivalry in wanting to help out - and there was one of life's lessons to boot. God was teaching me patience amidst that disheveled mess, and there was simply no room for a temper tantrum.
I read this morning the importance of not throwing away our confidence. Whether it is in hopes for a clean playroom (that will stay clean for more than 48 hours), or we are looking for direction along this spiritual journey . . . God promises that our confidence will be richly rewarded.
As Mark and Matthew work to put each book back into place, I will choose confidence over those pesky feelings of defeat.
Monday, December 17
Straight
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promises is faithful. ~ Hebrews 10:23
Today I am thankful to know that God's grace is enough. My day was definitely not something that would be considered unswerving. As a matter of fact, from one moment to the next, I found myself on quite a roller coaster. With my heart is so much anguish, I thought for sure it would burst - I did all that I could do today - and that was to hold on.
I wish I could tell you that I grabbed on to hope and tucked it into a neat little heart shaped pocket. But I would be lying. This day met me with tormenting dreams and anxiety up the ying yang. Where it all was coming from . . . I can't be certain. But I will say that God used a dear friend of mine to chase the doubt away.
As I braved the day, a phone call from a dear friend accompanied a prayer request. My prayer this morning was short and simple . . . "help". She spent time encouraging me, and asking me some of the difficult questions - questions I still don't have answers for.
It meant so much to have her care today. She reached out with the genuine love of a friend, and I felt so touched by her selflessness. As the day wore on, my circumstances did not change, but the burden began to lift. Like a ten ton building, I literally felt massive amounts of concrete burdens crumble through my perseverance. God counseled me today, through the sweet intercession of a friend.
I wish I could tell you that my faith is always a straight line - from point A which is my heart, to point B which is God's. But the truth is, there is nothing tidy about my walk with the Lord. Some days are filled with disappointment and terrible heartache. Others find me bubbling with joy.
And regardless of where I find myself, the Lord is always the same. Constant, unchanging and every near . . . for He who promises will send that phone call or word of encouragement just when I need it - for He is forever faithful.
Today I am thankful to know that God's grace is enough. My day was definitely not something that would be considered unswerving. As a matter of fact, from one moment to the next, I found myself on quite a roller coaster. With my heart is so much anguish, I thought for sure it would burst - I did all that I could do today - and that was to hold on.
I wish I could tell you that I grabbed on to hope and tucked it into a neat little heart shaped pocket. But I would be lying. This day met me with tormenting dreams and anxiety up the ying yang. Where it all was coming from . . . I can't be certain. But I will say that God used a dear friend of mine to chase the doubt away.
As I braved the day, a phone call from a dear friend accompanied a prayer request. My prayer this morning was short and simple . . . "help". She spent time encouraging me, and asking me some of the difficult questions - questions I still don't have answers for.
It meant so much to have her care today. She reached out with the genuine love of a friend, and I felt so touched by her selflessness. As the day wore on, my circumstances did not change, but the burden began to lift. Like a ten ton building, I literally felt massive amounts of concrete burdens crumble through my perseverance. God counseled me today, through the sweet intercession of a friend.
I wish I could tell you that my faith is always a straight line - from point A which is my heart, to point B which is God's. But the truth is, there is nothing tidy about my walk with the Lord. Some days are filled with disappointment and terrible heartache. Others find me bubbling with joy.
And regardless of where I find myself, the Lord is always the same. Constant, unchanging and every near . . . for He who promises will send that phone call or word of encouragement just when I need it - for He is forever faithful.
Sunday, December 16
Whistles
One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple.
~ Psalm 27:4
I am very thankful for productive afternoons like this one. After finding out that my Dad wasn't going to make it into town for Behold the Lamb, I decided to tackle one of my pending projects. My son Matthew and I spent an hour or two cleaning out the playroom.
He was quite the good helper. After some supervision on my part, and some handy suggestions on his, we managed to get the place looking really good. Books are all arranged, toys have found their rightful place, and a lot of the things the kids don't play with anymore have been tucked into plastic bags to give away.
There is still plenty I could work on tonight, as Mark is out playing cards. I've got some Christmas wrapping that needs my attention . . . and well, you get the idea. But instead, I think I will sit in front of the fire and relax a bit. My head spins and my heart aches from tormenting thoughts of the day - all of which hang on this one question.
"Why?"
Ever been there? A silent prayer sent up, hoping that God will give some kind of indication as to why. I speak not of some uncomfortable position where somebody has done me wrong. This is not about a tragedy of some kind, as I try to reconcile a loving God with the pain of this world. This "why" is more about reasons . . . what are my reasons? The painful reality is that I don't even know anymore.
I find myself being a person of heart and conviction. What I pour myself into needs to matter - it needs to line up with the core of my beliefs and who I am. Is the mystery due to some kind of disobedience on my part? Have I heard the voice of God, but ignored it because it was too hard to hear?
As much as I like being productive, and giving off the air of making some kind of a difference, the truth is - I just want to be with Him. No bells, no whistles, no complicated game plans . . .
This empty night, I long to dwell in the house of the Lord - to simply gaze upon His beauty . . . with nothing added, nothing taken away . . . a place where the whys of this life will finally cease.
~ Psalm 27:4
I am very thankful for productive afternoons like this one. After finding out that my Dad wasn't going to make it into town for Behold the Lamb, I decided to tackle one of my pending projects. My son Matthew and I spent an hour or two cleaning out the playroom.
He was quite the good helper. After some supervision on my part, and some handy suggestions on his, we managed to get the place looking really good. Books are all arranged, toys have found their rightful place, and a lot of the things the kids don't play with anymore have been tucked into plastic bags to give away.
There is still plenty I could work on tonight, as Mark is out playing cards. I've got some Christmas wrapping that needs my attention . . . and well, you get the idea. But instead, I think I will sit in front of the fire and relax a bit. My head spins and my heart aches from tormenting thoughts of the day - all of which hang on this one question.
"Why?"
Ever been there? A silent prayer sent up, hoping that God will give some kind of indication as to why. I speak not of some uncomfortable position where somebody has done me wrong. This is not about a tragedy of some kind, as I try to reconcile a loving God with the pain of this world. This "why" is more about reasons . . . what are my reasons? The painful reality is that I don't even know anymore.
I find myself being a person of heart and conviction. What I pour myself into needs to matter - it needs to line up with the core of my beliefs and who I am. Is the mystery due to some kind of disobedience on my part? Have I heard the voice of God, but ignored it because it was too hard to hear?
As much as I like being productive, and giving off the air of making some kind of a difference, the truth is - I just want to be with Him. No bells, no whistles, no complicated game plans . . .
This empty night, I long to dwell in the house of the Lord - to simply gaze upon His beauty . . . with nothing added, nothing taken away . . . a place where the whys of this life will finally cease.
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