Prayer

There seems to be an ongoing theme in my life right now, a season of sorts if you will. Every time God wants to get my attention about something, he never hits me over the head with the concept. Instead, it is always a soft nudging, a gentle reminder that comes from all different directions.

I posted a while back about feeling lost . . . not really knowing what the next step should be. I have spent months wresting with needless anxiety, when all God has wanted me to do is to be still. With the embrace of this new awareness, I have stepped into the most abundant place of freedom and purpose. I understand my calling now more than ever. For this time, in this place - God is calling me to pray.

Like a rain shower, the revelation came to me several days ago. One confirmation after another broke through my calloused and troubled heart. Wanting answers to so many questions about myself and others, I decided to take a personality test. After spending a good fifteen minutes or so, INFJ is what came up, meaning Introvert, iNtuituve, Feeling and Judging. I began to read the description, and couldn't help but to talk back to the printed piece of paper.

"Yes, I do that! That is exactly how I would respond . . . or how I feel or the way that I behave! How could one test know so much about me?"

I took comfort in seeing my idiosyncrasies printed in black and white. Things about me that I had never been able to articulate before were held in my hand. It turns out that only 1% of the population has my personality type, which was another aha moment for me. It's no wonder I have a hard time understanding the behavior of other people, not to mention feeling very much misunderstood myself.

A big part of my personality talked about having a kind of discernment about things, without any outside knowledge of such. YES!!! I have that all the time. It talked about not really knowing how to explain what is known (still yes) . . . it talked about usually being right about what I am discerning. Yes again.

I always thought that it was the Holy Spirit giving me insight (and I still do), but it was neat to see that it is also a part of my make-up. God made me this way - for a reason. He doesn't want to torture me with drama, nor does He desire to see me tied in knots. The reason came flying in from every direction, leaving me no room for denial. I have come to realize, that I have been placed here, for such a time as this - for the sake of prayer.

I always thought that I would be a part of some really big ministry movement or something. I have dreams of writing books and speaking all over the country - but all of that fades behind the backdrop of this new calling. God gives me insight into things for the purpose of interceding. WOW. I consider this call far more important than any kind of a "name" I could make for myself. In fact, the thought of being known makes me feel sick inside. The closer I get to God, the less I want to be seen.

God has sent so many confirmations in my direction (including Michele's blog idea and Pastor Dave's sermon today). But my favorite came through my little Goldilocks Makayla moments after the revelation. She walked into my bedroom and handed me a bracelet that I had nearly forgotten about. It was a beautiful pewter bracelet given to me when I was in the hospital. Near the clasp, there is a heart-shaped box that you can open the lid to. It is a prayer box.

I almost made the mistake of chucking it in my jewelry box without a second look. When I received the bracelet all of those months ago, I was so weak and full of fatigue that it seemed bothersome. I didn't have enough energy to put it on, much less wear it around. When Makayla handed it to me some days ago, I almost took it with the same attitude.

"Oh, that thing." I thought. Until, I remembered what the heart shaped box symbolized. Prayer. In that very moment my calling had been confirmed. All of that anxiety that had me tied in knots for months had suddenly been lifted. I felt a renewed contentment about where I have been placed, and I felt so completely honored to be trusted with such. The torment in my soul has disappeared, and I know now, that my only move is to wait.

When I was given that bracelet back in the hospital, I wasn't really ready to receive it. It's been the same with prayer. God has been sending little indications here and there, but I haven't been ready to receive. Until now.

Prayer . . . keeping company with God. Yes, what could be more fitting for this soul? Nothing could bring more honor to the Father. This is why I was created! This is what I live for.

All of my hopes, and all of my dreams have been packaged into one quiet kneel. It is in this peaceful place that I find all that I've been searching for . . . my heart's desire - is Him.