Darts

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." ~ Zephaniah 3:17

This week I discovered something pretty profound about myself. They began darting in from every direction, hitting wounded and vulnerable pockets of my heart. It is not very noticeable on the surface, in fact, I doubt that many people know this about me. I mean after all, I have been pretty good at looking like I have everything together. I should be pretty good at it by now . . . it has been a practice of mine practically my whole life.

Insecurity. It creeps in like a bad odor, just waiting to pounce when I least expect it. Finding out that I have become pretty much of a of people pleaser, I dug a little bit further to discover that there is a very deep seeded lie that I have believed for years. This lie is a tape that plays over and over in my head. It has become so much a part of my consciousness, that I rarely even notice it anymore.

Here is the lie that I have been believing for as long as I can remember. There are others, but this is by far the most devastating blow of all.

"You are not liked . . . everyone you meet . . . everyone who knows you - they don't like you. You could try to win their affection, but nothing you do will ever make you good enough . . . you will never be worthy of love."

Pretty rotten, huh? I have to wonder what in the world happened to me to make me think something like this. God had me take a look at this square in the face last night. What is even more disturbing, is that this whole concept will a lot of times come between me and my relationship with God. I will sometimes believe the same thing about His affections for me. Part of me wonders when the lightning is going to strike - when God will finally give up and walk away. After all, He does just tolerate me anyway, right?

Am I alone in this? Is there anybody else out there who struggles with self worth and the idea of grace? I think my greatest fear of all is rejection . . . and in looking at my behavior, I think I do just about anything to avoid it.

God's Word can be such a powerful Sword for situations like mine. I trust that God has allowed me to see the depravity of my mind . . . so that He can transform it with the Truth.

Just think, He delights in me . . . ME . . . and you too. He even rejoices over us with singing! Now that sounds to me like a notch or two up from simply tolerating.

My prayer for myself and all of you who struggle with self esteem issues is this:

Lord may we see ourselves as you do. You command us to love. Give us the grace to love as you do - unconditionally, without end . . . especially when it comes to that person we find staring back in the mirror.