Scratch

There is something so redeeming about the idea of starting from scratch. Whether you are trying to re-create grandma's blueberry pie, or you are calling a truce in a relationship that's gone sour . . . the God we serve loves to start from the ground up.

I've been thinking a lot about this concept lately, pondering the vastness of God's forgiveness and grace. While the enemy points a gnarly finger at all of the places I've messed up, God's loving hand extends, only to pick me up and dust me off. I never hear a condemning remark come out of His mouth. God never kicks me when I'm down - or laughs at my pain.

So who is doing the kicking and the laughing? I do realize that we have a very real and angry enemy, who roams around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Is it him? Perhaps at times. I also know that the people we come in contact with can sometimes be unfeeling and cruel. Are they the ones doing the kicking? I don't think so. Many times their offenses are not premeditated and the communication gap just needs closing.

So who is the snickerer in the corner? I think a lot of times my greatest enemy lies within myself. Anybody with me on this? Who else knows us better than the person staring us in the mirror? I am with "me" 24 hours, 7 days a week. There are no breaks away from myself really. Even in my sleep, I am bombarded with insecurities and fears that will manifest themselves through some pretty bizarre dreams.

The "me" inside will often times give in to a very limiting and strangling point of view. It saps me of joy and then to top things off, I will give myself a good kick of guilt after I have blown it for the hundredth time.

Why do I write about all of this today? Well, let's just say that there are some ghosts haunting me from my past, packaged in some of the family members I love most. Like many people, I grew up in a very dysfunctional environment. And at times it can still get the best of me . . . that is, if I let it.

Back ten years ago, when this frightened shell of a person stepped out of darkness into the light, I became a new creation. I am not the same person I was when I participated in my family's madness. God has healed some pretty deep wounds. He has saved me hundreds of times from my own stupidity, and I have the promise of becoming more and more like Christ every day.

So why this struggle now, all of these years later? I'll put it a couple of different ways. Because it isn't easy to swim against the current. You've probably heard it said, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks." And my favorites? You'll never change, you'll always be stuck here. You might as well get used to it.

If I sound down and cynical today, it's just because some of the toxin has rubbed off. It usually takes me a day or so to de-tox . . . but my resilience strengthens with every bout. God is so wonderfully faithful.

The God I love and serve sees only beauty when He looks at me. Why is it so hard for me to see what He sees? That has been my prayer today.

Lord, show me what You see. From where You're seated, I'll bet the view is breathtaking - scattering mockers for miles - for Your Word says that when you look at me, You see Jesus. Forgive the cynic in me who cannot see further than a couple of feet in front of her face. In your tenderness this broken heart is always given one more chance start from scratch. I am eternally grateful for you Jesus. You have rescued me from unimaginable peril.

The fall . . . when is the last time you found yourself down on the ground? It smarts doesn't it? And it will often times catch a person off guard.

Looks like it's time for some dusting off. Back to the drawing board.