Hugging Adversity

As I have stepped into the ministry and school year, I have made mention a few times about feeling overwhelmed. Well, I am having one of those days today. So instead of dropping Makayla off and tackling my to-do list right away, I decided to spend some quiet time alone with God.

I began pouring out my heart to Him with all of the thoughts and insecurities that He already knows about. There is something so remarkable about being able to "get it all out" in prayer, and knowing that His presence alone is enough of a response.

Underneath all of the high demands, fierce deadlines and unrealistic expectations . . . I find the heart of why I struggle today. It really doesn't have anything to do with the things I need to get checked off my list, or even the emotions that I can never seems to tidy up. The core of my wrestling today, has to do with a lion.

I've had the privilege of reading, along with some of the staff, a book called, "In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day." God is really using it to get my attention. Every time I pick it up, the fears that torment me seem exaggerated through this all too familiar character Benaiah. Basically, he could be labeled as some crazy guy who decides to jump into a snowy pit with a lion. Hmmm . . . now that sounds a little too close to home for me. I put it down for a while, ponder his heroics, and then pick it up again for another blow.

As I sat with God today, I began to realize that one of the reasons I feel so scattered, is because I have no sense of control. The lion staring me dead in the face is called "uncertainty" - and according to this book I am supposed to embrace it.

Being a word nut, I decided to look up the word embrace, and the word uncertainty. This is what I came up with . . .

embrace: hug, hold, cuddle, squeeze, clinch, grip make use of, adopt, comprise

uncertainty: doubt, indecision, hesitation, vagueness, ambiguity, insecurity

Okay, let me get this straight. I am supposed to cuddle with indecision and insecurity? That doesn't sound right . . . I have been called to walk in faith. Then a though of Benaiah flashed in my head, and I realized - God has given me a choice.

Doubt, indecision, insecurities . . . those are inevitable when you are stepping out to answer God's call. They are the enemy's greatest weapons. Now I really don't think God wants me to invite these guys in for a soda. But what I do see, is that God does not want me to ignore them either.

It would seem much easier to just pretend they aren't there, and to muscle up enough of my own strength to press on. But I see in Benaiah's example that God doesn't want me to tuck my tail between my legs and run . . . God's solution is to embrace "the reality" of the problem, and to deal with it.

Yes, I stand in a very uncertain season . . . my life could take a new direction at a moment's notice and I have no control over that. I cannot foresee nor control the responses of other people . . . and I have no way of knowing what tomorrow will bring.

But what I do have, is the Sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God - to lunge at this lion with. What choice will I make? Will I duck and cover, cowering beneath the weight? Or will I stare back, with the determination of Benaiah?

The odds might not be looking so good on the outside - and a times I know I look like a crazy woman.

But deep down inside, lives the heart of a warrior.