Drum

My Women of Faith weekend was nothing like any of the other ones I have ever experienced. I can't really say that it was the incredible speaking or the dynamic worship by Nicole C. Mullen that set things apart. The speakers and the worship crew were all very talented. The atmosphere was beautiful, the display tables nicely arranged. But something inside of me just could not be there.

After the first speaker finished, I walked outside and crossed the street. Plopping down on a park bench, I allowed myself a much needed break. It was Saturday morning, and the second half of the first session was about to start. I just couldn't bring myself to go back into that building. So many people, so many different messages . . . it felt like more than I could take in.

All that I could absorb in that moment, was the cool breeze rushing by, and sunshine catching the leaves. Listening to children play and birds perform - this was where I felt closest to God. Outside in that park, there was no glitter, no glitz . . . no commercialized Christianity . . . it was just me, God and a squirrel.

Something really strange is happening to me lately, and I just cannot get it figured out. Instead of feeling the need to run from one activity to another (church based or not), I feel the need to sit and be quiet. I took that time away on Saturday, not because I thought it sounded like a good idea - it was for survival. I was just dying for some of God's sweet refreshment.

I have discovered through the years, that I am an introvert - I get refueled when I am alone, as opposed to when I am around other people. I crave solitude, and I really think I need it more than most people. If I don't have a certain amount of time alone just to think, I begin feeling anxious, irritable and even smothered.

Discovering who you are is one thing, and being okay with it is something entirely different. Why didn't I feel the need to seize the opportunity to see those famous artists that morning? Why was getting my head clear and my heart straight more important this year? What caused me to show up all tangled in the first place? Is it my new job . . . or simply a new perspective altogether?

I head into next week a little bit fragile, as I am not sure how the rest of "me" is going to look. Will I just go with the flow like I always have, or will I listen to that still small voice giving me permission to be myself?

Living truest to who we are . . . this brings glory to God. Even if it looks crazy or wasteful to somebody on the outside looking in. Being misunderstood is something I am getting kind of used to.

I may very well march to the beat of a different drum - but my God knows right where I am, even when I don't have a clue.