Steps

Itsy bitsy teeny weenie baby steps to normalcy. As I continue getting stronger after surgery, things seem to be moving one step forward, two back. While physically I am able to do more, emotionally I'm a little bit off kilter. What I've discovered today is that it's all about perception. Like the old saying goes, "I'm not where I should be, but at least I'm not where I used to be!"

Hormones can be a pretty strange thing to contend with. Feeling fine one minute, but in the next -- who can really tell? My poor husband, he has been so wonderfully patient through all of this. He had to ask me this afternoon which of my "personalities" he was dealing with at the moment. Pretty bad, I know.

What adds salt to a festering wound, is the loathing of my own behavior. I literally felt ugly today, on the inside and the out. It's not a very good thing when you can't even stand to keep company with your self. But as I wrestled today, not knowing which end was up - there was one thing certain. God never left me for a moment.

He listened as I poured a hurting heart into my journal. He watched closely, when I was given the choice to obey - and I chose not to. He received my repentant retort, and wrapped His arms around me, even in my unlovable state.

As the day comes to an end, I find a bit of joy bubbling up, erasing the shadows casted earlier. As I take these steps toward recovery ,I am reminded of how far God has already carried me. I trust that He will continue to take me through to the last stretch.

Grace is where I rest tonight, as I decide to give myself a break. If God can overlook a day like today, why shouldn't I?